Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
