i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
