I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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