I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize