in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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