God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
