I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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