I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
