carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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