I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
