sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
