All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
