If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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