Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
