I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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