The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
