I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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