I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
