I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How naked do you want me to be?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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