I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
