A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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