I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
