I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
