he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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