paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just cut my nipple shaving
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
