i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i believe in u and ur pee
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
