Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
