In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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