Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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