WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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