you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
