if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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