fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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