nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
