dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
