Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize