There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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