oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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