FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
