He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
