Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
