Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
