she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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