I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
