I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
