just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
