Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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