she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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