I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
