mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
