apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
