My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
