I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
