to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
