Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
