There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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