bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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