I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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