A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Found the puke drawer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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