Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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