At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize